This was originally written on June 28, 2015
It’s been a tops-turvy three to four years, for sure. But if I were to look further back I could say that mine has altogether been a topsy-turvy life. I suspect that this is what most people feel about their own lives.
I saw yesterday that I have hidden for some time now. I have been hiding with fear, and a deeply set feeling of unworthiness. I don’t write much anymore because I fear the consequences, and because I am afraid that no one will like what I have to say. I sit behind anger and fear related to getting old, being alone and unwanted, and not having anything of value to leave behind when I die.
Last night a flash of understanding hit me: that instead of valuing this life, this human life for being, simply being, I had cocooned myself in price tags: how much have I done for you; how much can I do; how much-how many… I remembered last night that since a very early age, I thought that I had to earn my keep, the right to be alive and/or loved. My family of origin was not really affectionate or demonstrative of love, but it demonstrated very clearly when my brother or I were not in good standing, or merited anything other than very harsh words or physical punishment. For the most part demonstrations of love served as coinage, means toward something else. So I learned what I needed to do to survive, and within that I learned to not value myself.
I feel that I am slowly crawling out of the cocoon in which I initially hid when I brought my niece to live with me, and was coming to terms with my decision to leave my companion of eleven years. (All of this happened in 2010 and 2011.) The walls of that cocoon were made of shame, of feeling that I was a failure as a woman, a failure as a sister, as a writer, as a human. The walls of that cocoon were tied with fears of survival, and the belief that if I could not prove myself, I did not deserve to survive, or be happy.
But, I cannot hide from myself. Not really. I am a Buddhist and human in training. The call is to cause no harm, extend my heart to others, and learn to experience this/my world as sacred. The call is to help manifest enlightened society, enlightenment on the spot. The call is a deeply felt sense that we are needed if this planet is to survive. Thus, as I break through the walls of my cocoon, I do so with a sense of wonder: how would I show up in my life if I felt whole and worthy? What can I do to extend this beating heart to others who might be in a cocoon of their own? How do I train in seeing or experiencing my world(s) as sacred? And for now, I leave this page with that. May it be of help to someone.
| Evernote helps you remember everything and get organized effortlessly. Download Evernote. |
Baby Buddha Speaks 